Journey With Sam

I started this blog in 2019 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I figured I could turn it into a travel blog after that or convert it to Disney or something. Little did I know my next post after over a year would be about losing my best friend to cancer.

It is funny (sarcasm intended) that I posted on Facebook on January 1 that the last 1.5 years of my life had been the hardest in my life. I was dealing with an abusive work relationship with my former agency and several other things. Little did I know that my best friend, who helped me survive through life’s highs and lows, would be taken from me making the last 1.5 years seem easy.

Cancer Strikes Again

Almost 3 months ago on April 22, I had to say goodbye to my Callie. In late February, I came home from a long weekend at Disney World cheering on my friends and helping ACS at the runDisney Princess weekend. It was an incredible weekend, exhausting, but so good for my soul to see friends and finally be on the cheering side of things. I got home and Callie greeted me like normal and we went to bed.

My nightmare started the next morning. Callie was super lethargic and everything seemed off. She had a spell like this 10 days earlier but it was short and she recovered. My friend’s dog was fighting for its life and that prompted me to get Callie into the vet ASAP. The results were not good. I immediately drove to the emergency vet 30 minutes away. Callie was bleeding out internally due to 2 masses on her spleen. It was likely cancer with no cure. I had two options: say goodbye to Callie that night or have an emergency surgery to remove her spleen and the masses. I was told that her quality of life would be normal after surgery until she started to bleed internally again. The estimate was hopefully a few good quality months left after surgery and I took it. I could not process saying goodbye to my best friend.

She recovered quickly from that surgery and I spent weeks showering her with love and doing everything we loved. We went running around McIntosh Lake and seeing all of our friends at Shoes & Brews. We got in another hike at Button Rock and went into the mountains for a snowy hike. She had puppiccinos and more treats than I thought was possible. I spent every morning laying in bed giving her belly rubs and tons of love. I knew this time was short lived and I wanted to get everything I could from it. I was living with a ticking time bomb with no idea of when it would go off.

I made the decision to go on my trip to Costa Rica with friends. I had hoped that Callie had months to live so this week away would allow the grandparents time to spoil her too. Costa Rica was wonderful and the updates from my parents were great. Sadly, I regret this trip. Despite having a great time, I would give anything to have be there for Callie’s last week.

I returned home a day earlier than planned so I could spend some time with her. I opened the garage door expecting her creepy smile to greet me, but my mom was there instead. I instantly knew something was wrong and ran upstairs. She lifted her head, smiled at me, wagged her tail, and gave me kisses, but she wasn’t really moving. She had woken up that morning and started internally bleeding. My dad spent all morning laying in bed with her and giving her love. I didn’t believe it. I carried her downstairs to get her outside since she hadn’t peed all day. I sat her down in the grass and she collapsed. It was at that moment that I knew I was losing my best friend. I spent the next few hours laying in bed with her and giving her all of the love. The vet was coming to the house so while waiting, I did everything I could to ensure she knew how much I loved her. I am so thankful for the vet from Caring Pathways coming and making the process peaceful and happy. Callie said goodbye to life laying in her favorite spot on the guest bed overlooking the street with her favorite people surrounding her. She was mostly drifting off to sleep when the vet helped her along. The process was peaceful and she was never in pain. She had waited for me to come home so I could say goodbye and I will always be so thankful for that.

My Heart Dog

“They say you get one heart dog in your life. A heart dog is that one incredible canine who comes around once in a lifetime and completely changes everything. That dog is your heart. They fulfill the role of offering unconditional love and they close any gaps of loneliness”. I found that definition in a blog and smiled. Callie was my heart dog.  

If you haven’t found your heart dog yet, you may not understand. Callie was my everything. She was my best friend. If you have never had a dog, you probably think I am crazy, but I mean it. She had been with me for almost 10 year and no one knew me better. She was my rock and security. She gave my life meaning. She had been through so much with me and pulled me through it all. She gave me the confidence to take on any challenges I faced. She was the first to greet me every morning and the last to say goodnight. She greeted me every single time I walked through the door with her creepy face smiling at me. 

She was my therapist and best friend. She pulled me through some of the darkest and enjoyed some of the happiest years of my life. She gave me confidence to be myself. She gave me purpose in life. I was Callie’s mom and I was so proud of that. I was her world and she was mine. I took on the world with her by my side. 

Below is just a small list of what she gave me.

• She taught me what true, unconditional love is.
• She gave me confidence to take on small and big adventures from solo hiking and camping to road trips to moving across country with her.
• She was my walking, running, hiking, paddling, and camping buddy. She gave me the confidence to go hiking and exploring solo with her. No one else could get me out the door to do something active more than her.
  • She would get so excited when I got her harness out since that meant it was time for a run or hike. She would start to whine when I grabbed my socks and go crazy when I put on my running shoes since she knew that meant it was time to run. She loved being outside, especially with me. McIntosh Lake will forever be associated with her and our adventures running and paddling there.
  • I will always remember the joy on her face when she was off leash at the Boulder parks and able to run ahead. She never lost sight of me and would always wait for me with a grin on her face.
  • I can’t help but laugh at the way she used to get frustrated with how slow I ran and hiked, but didn’t mind it as she aged or if the weather got above 60 degrees.
  • Everyone remembers the joy she had before and during a Shoes & Brews run. She loved people’s attention and being a part of it. She didn’t always love hanging out after, especially when we were forced to sit inside and she was known to give me side-eye or just stare at me until I would finally leave. 
  • She took on any hike including some 14ers and did them all with a smile.
  • She even ran a half marathon with me when I beat cancer.
• She was my travel buddy and went everywhere with me. We crossed the country by car so many times. She had been to at least 14 national parks, 15 state parks, 25 states, so many wineries and breweries, dipped her toes in the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean (not willingly since she hated water), visited Universal Studios and Disney World, and so much more. She even got to see a solar eclipse. She traveled more than most Americans ever will.
• She was my nurse and always by my side through breast cancer. She knew something was wrong and wouldn’t let me go through it alone. She always knew exactly when I needed a kiss or cuddle. She knew when I was tired or tender and made sure not to pull on the leash on those days. She also gave me the encouragement to get outside and keep living.
• As I fought depression and worthlessness while struggling with an abusive relationship, she sat by me as I cried, licked away my tears, and leaned into my shoulder to show support. On days where getting out of bed seemed impossible, she would jump up, give me a kiss, and nudge me to start my day. Honestly without her, I don’t know how I would have coped. She was the main reason I got out of bed every morning.

Coping with Grief

Callie was my rock. As my therapist has pointed out, not only was she my rock, but she was my security blanket enabling me to take on anything. The idea of a future without her is terrifying. I have never cried this much in my life. The house is so empty and quiet. She is not here to make me laugh or calm my anger and grief. She is not here convincing me to get out of bed in the mornings. She is not here pushing me out the door to run knowing it would make us both happier. My motivation for most things is lacking.

I realize I have never lost someone so close to me. I lost my grandparents who I loved dearly, but my interactions with them were once or twice a year. Losing Callie impacts most aspects of my daily life in a deep way. For the first couple of weeks after her passing, I was so angry at the world. I went between crying and wanting to kill someone. I was not a nice person as I didn’t know how to filter my thoughts. Everything, including small things, set me off. My life had changed forever and I was not ready for it. I expected 3-4 more years with her and accepting that wasn’t possible was devastating.

I went back to seeing my therapist once she was diagnosed with cancer knowing I would need her help. My therapist reminded me that I needed to give myself time to grieve, however I needed. She reminded me that I was allowed to wallow in it and be angry. Until then, I hadn’t given myself the chance to just take it in. I was fighting all emotions and anger was winning. So I took her advice and spent a weekend doing absolutely nothing but sitting on the couch and letting myself cry. I binge watched some random tv show and read a book. By the end of that weekend, a small weight had been lifted. It seemed a little easier to get out of bed and interact with others.

Losing our fur babies is so incredibly hard. It is even harder as a single female that had only Callie as a roommate and companion for almost 10 years. It had been just the two of us for so long I don’t even remember what life is like without her.

It has been almost 3 months without her now. I still cry most days, but at least it isn’t every day. I am not constantly looking for her or thinking I need to fill her food and water bowl. I know she will not be waiting for me at the door. I can laugh and smile at memories when I think of her. Each day gets slightly easier although I still miss her dearly.

I know she would want me to move on and find joy. She told me that while she was here in her own way. She knew how to make me smile even when I didn’t want to. When I was feeling worthless in life, she made sure I knew that I was her everything. She was the bright light that made me think life could be good. With that bright light gone, my world is darker and I am stumbling. I know it will get easier. Time heals all wounds.

Remembering Callie

Callie was a special pup and everyone that met her knew it. She made me a better person. She brought joy to so many people. I will allows be thankful for every minute she was in my life. This grief and loss is worth the 10 year of smiles and memories. And one day, when I bring another pup into my life, it will be to honor her memory and the love she gave me.

I know Ed Sheeran probably wrote this song about a human, but the lyrics perfectly sum up my last 2.5 months without Callie.

I know it’s a bad idea
But how can I help myself?
Been inside for most this year
And I thought a few drinks, they might help
It’s been a while, my dear
Dealin’ with the cards life dealt
I’m still holdin’ back these tears
While my friends are somewhere else

I pictured this year a little bit different when it hit February
I step in the bar, it hit me so hard, oh, how can it be this heavy?
Every song reminds me you’re gone, and I feel the lump form in my throat
‘Cause I’m here alone

Just dancin’ with my eyes closed
‘Cause everywhere I look, I still see you
And time is movin’ so slow
And I don’t know what else that I can do
So I’ll keep dancin’ with my

Eye-eye-eye-eyes
Eye-eye-eye-eyes closed
Eye-eye-eye-eyes
So I’ll keep dancin’ with my-

Delusion is here again
And I think you’ll come home soon
A word brings me right back in
Then it’s only me that’s in this room
I guess I could just pretend
The colours are more than blue
But I lost more than my friend
I can’t help but missin’ you (yeah, yeah, yeah)

I pictured this month a little bit different, no one is ever ready
And when it unfolds, you get in a hole, oh, how can it be this heavy?
Everything changes, nothing’s the same, except the truth is now you’re gone
And life just goes on

Ed Sheeran “Eyes Closed”