Journey With Sam

I am probably one of the few people in the world that feel like the last month went too fast. I feel Iike I just finished chemo and that surgery is still a month away. Sadly, that isn’t the case. My bilateral mastectomy is tomorrow. 

I am also one of the few people in the world that enjoyed the last month. As the chemo cleared from my body, I started to feel normal again. I had the ability to be more active without fatigue (although I probably pushed it too hard given my body is super sore). I don’t wake up with a bloody nose each morning. I had my taste buds return to normal (yay for enjoying cheese, chocolate, and other food to the full extent). I feel like I did over 20 weeks ago before treatment started and it feels great. Sadly that ends tomorrow. 

Yes, the past month has been hard with COVID. It is hard to watch people struggling emotionally with life and the insane divide in the country. I have been asking myself why I feel like I am not as impacted emotionally by it all. I realized that I had already mourned my change in normalcy starting in November. I already had to cancel all of my vacations (Hawaii, Oregon, my friend’s wedding in DC, and an epic hiking trip I would have normally planned) thanks to cancer. My new normal already restricted aspects of my life. I had my mourning period before COVID started. I had already changed my new normal by the time we started to shelter in place.  

That doesn’t mean I love the shelter in place. I am an extrovert. I miss seeing people. I was the person that could have worked from home more often before COVID but went into the office because I loved seeing my coworkers. I had to say bye to a close friend who is driving across country to live for a few months (or longer) by sitting 8-10 feet away and waving. I haven’t touched another human being since this started and the only people that touch me are doctors or nursing drawing blood, injecting chemo, or touching my breast to see if the cancer is gone. 

I desperately miss my Shoes & Brews social runs, but have found ways to support my friends with different running challenges. I wear a mask when around others. I keep my distance so I can cheer on amazing friends finishing their virtual marathon. I have run at a social distance from them and yes, that does require talking louder to each other, but it is worth it. 

I have embraced Zoom and FaceTime dates with friends and family. I have connected with people more now than I did before COVID. My family participated in a virtual Disney trivia and had so much fun. I normally talk to my cousins through texts and Facebook comments but we spent 3 hours talking and laughing together. I have talked more to my DC friends during this time than I have in the year and a half since moving. I have gotten to know my colleagues that live in different areas and value these deeper relationships. We have embraced virtual book clubs to ensure we aren’t breaking our monthly get togethers. These virtual meetings are not perfect, but I have deepened relationships over the last month and a half and I love it! 

I wear my mask every time I go to the doctor or a store. And I happily tear it off once I get back into my car, like the rest of the world. Do I love it, no. Is it worth protecting others and myself, yes! 

So the last month has been interesting, but I have strived to thrive despite the new normal. I am thrilled the country is starting to open up, but I am praying people will do so smartly. Wearing a mask, social distancing, washing your hands often, and not touching your face are things we all need to practice. I believe no one is worth sacrificing. It is our choice to come together as a country and world to protect each other while ensuring the economy survives. I hate to see such dividedness while we all around the world fight the same enemy. 

I had to rebook my brother and sister in law’s baby moon trip to Antigua this week. My parents and I are now joining them for a family beach trip in November (fingers crossed…we do realize this may not happen). I had to call the resort and work with them to rebook. During the call, I was reminded how much the entire world is impacted by COVID. The workers at these Caribbean resorts have been laid off because the resorts are closed. Each country has travel restrictions and I doubt we are even allowed in these countries right now. We have a tendency to focus on the US, but as the travel agent I worked with commented, there is no where you can travel to get away from COVID. This is a worldwide fight and each country is handling it differently. 

Enough about COVID…my last few weeks have been busy with me embracing everything I can do before I am sidelined again.

• Running! Callie and I have been running a lot and going on longer walks. I entered the Colorado Brewery Series May challenge to see how many miles I could cover. My goal was at least 50 miles so that I could get the buff, socks, and cool hat and I am happy to report I have already hit that. I know with surgery coming up, 100 miles isn’t an option, but maybe for June.

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• Supporting my crazy running friends. 3 of my friends completed a virtual marathon around Longmont when their race was cancelled. A group of us pulled together cheer and aid stations to make the day special for them. Another friend took on the Goggins Challenge where she ran 4 miles every 4 hours for 48 hours for a total of 48 miles. Yes that is as crazy as it sounds and I was thrilled to join her for one leg and be there to celebrate when she finished.

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• My basement bathroom is coming along nicely. I have painted walls and tile laid. It is so fun to watch this come together through every step. Massive thanks to Em and CT for helping me make it happen. There was a lot of mask wearing in my own house and it was so worth it to ensure the three of us stayed healthy.
• Virtual Disney trivia to support American Cancer Society was so much fun! We pulled together the Mader crew (Team Tow Mader Without The Tow) to test our Disney knowledge. I must say that I am impressed we did so well and we had so much fun laughing for hours. Not to mention it raised money for a great cause.
• Donating my stimulus check! I am so thankful that I still have my job and have set myself up to be financially secure. That gave me the opportunity to donate my stimulus check to charities. It was fun to pick different charities to donate to and I really hope each donation can make at least a small difference.
• I enjoyed two different flyovers by the Thunderbirds and the Colorado National Guard. The Thunderbirds flew directly over my house and it was so cool.

• I took a virtual cooking class through First Descents. First Descents provides life-changing outdoor adventures for young adults (ages 18 – 39) impacted by cancer and other serious health conditions. I can’t wait to be able to join them for outdoor adventures next year but I had a lot of fun learning how to make healthy blondies.
• Got to listen to a live Zoom session of Quarantunes, which pulls big names in entertainment together to raise money for select charities. American Cancer Society invited me to join thanks to everyone’s donations for my November race. It was Nashville themed so I got to watch a lot of country singers live. It was a lot of fun to watch them (Darius Rucker, Marc Cohn, Luke Bryant, and more) sing from their homes and interact with each other.

Medically, things picked up again this week. I cannot thank my doctors enough for making this process as easy as possible. The communication between the different offices has been wonderful. In the last two weeks, I got a COVID test (required for pre-surgery and I am happy to say mine was negative), met with a physical therapist, met with the plastic surgeon regarding reconstruction, and had a Savi Scout procedure (placing a reflector into the lymph node to help guide the surgery). All of these appointments were coordinated for me even though they were all different offices. It was so nice not to worry about calling each office.

I am getting nervous about the surgery but most of me is excited to get it done. It is time for me to move on and this surgery is the next step in doing so. It looks like we will be able to do a nipple sparring mastectomy, which is wonderful. It makes recovery slightly easier and it allows me to keep a more normal look (you don’t really think about losing your nipples until you get cancer). I have some of the best doctors in the area and I am confident that I will recover well. It won’t be a fun few weeks but I will make it. My parents are in town to take care of me and it has been so nice having them around. It is nice to actually have normal interactions with other people without masks on or social distancing. Not to mention they brought so much food including cinnamon rolls and cookies!

I will say it is weird to look at myself in the mirror and know that I will never look the same. My breasts will never feel the same. My knee surgeries were about repairs, but this surgery is very much about removal. Eventually my breasts will look similar to today, but I will always know the difference. It is sad at times to think about, but then I just remind myself that this is the best way to rid my body of cancer and that is the most important thing.

Next time I post, I will be rid of the cancerous cells in my breast and working towards recovery. I have follow up appointments with all three doctors (oncologist, breast surgeon, and plastic surgeon) next week too and hopefully we will find out that no more treatments of any kind are needed.

Stay safe, healthy, and sane everyone!