My last post was optimistic about the world and 2020. This post is quite the opposite. I have debated if I should post this, but after a lot of reviewing it, I think it is worth knowing the struggle that I am currently fighting since I know others have the same difficulties. The last few weeks have been rough and last week was my breaking point. I am struggling with the world right now and I don’t think that will change anytime soon. So below is kind of a rant/vent session. I apologize but I want to ensure this blog is honest and life isn’t always rosy. If you want the positives only, skip to the bottom.
COVID is crazy, especially in the US. I find it hard to believe that anyone can call a disease that has killed over 500,000 people worldwide a hoax. Not to mention that every country in the world is dealing with COVID and most are taking initiatives to limit the spread. Americans are so self centered that we can’t even wear a cloth mask to protect each other. Instead we call it a hoax and say it will just disappear. I find it incredible how little people believe in and listen to science. Instead Americans attack doctors who have changed their views and call them liars. I call them scientists and doctors who are changing their views based on a better understanding of the disease and what the data is showing. It just baffles me. We have no leadership in this country and it shows. An American passport right now is worthless given most countries won’t let us in. We aren’t trustworthy to tell the truth about COVID symptoms or being around others that have been infected. Our numbers are rising like crazy. No wonder other countries won’t let us in.
The worst part is staying in my bubble. I have called myself an extrovert since I left college. I love hanging out with people and being active. Social runs and my weekly Shoes and Brews gathering keep me sane. Cancer has made me more cautious about things. I am not willing to risk my surgery next week so I limit who I see and how I interact with people. I still enjoy a backyard social distance gathering occasionally, but that is really about it. I miss hiking and running with friends, but right now it doesn’t seem worth the risk. I have been fighting this damn disease since November and I am ready to finish the fight. I have one more surgery before I can start to move on and I just need it to happen. I need to finish this chapter and move on with my life.
Ok, actually the worst part is the jealousy and judging of other people. I can’t help but start to wonder how some people are ok with eating inside at restaurants, hanging out in large groups, taking plane rides to vacations, etc. I know my gut reaction is jealousy. I miss my life and the people that are normally in it. My best social interactions right now are usually at a doctor’s office. I can’t help but wonder what I would be doing if cancer hadn’t limited everything. Would I be willing to go out more and take more risks? Would I be willing to fly to Kentucky to meet my adorable niece? I am pretty sure I would at least be hiking and running with my friends since that is at least outside, but who knows, maybe I would be taking more risks.
I am becoming bitter towards people and I hate it. I question how people can go do XX and feel ok with it. I have found it is best to not ask questions anymore because I honestly don’t want to know what you have been up to. I don’t want to know that you feel ok being around so many people and I definitely don’t want you anywhere near me. I hate feeling that way, but I can’t help it. I am being selfish in a completely different way than those not wearing a mask. I don’t want any chance of your germs limiting my ability to finish the cancer chapter in my life. I hate that I feel like people judge me for not wanting to be more active and a part of normal life. I feel like you are damned if you do or damned if you don’t.
On top of that, I struggle with the political side of things. I support the Black Lives Matter Movement. I believe systemic racism is real and that we need a major overhaul to many of our systems. We have a country very happy to remain divided. We have a government wanting to protect Confederate statues more than black lives. We have an Administration sending unmarked federal agents into Democratic cities to combat crime. Yep…only cities led by liberal Democrats. If it works as well as it has in Portland, we will only have more violence in these cities. We have a male Congressman that disagreed with a female Congresswoman and called her a “fucking bitch” in front of the press and the woman is getting more grief for her speech than the person who did the name calling. Even if you don’t agree with AOC’s politics, her 9 minute speech is worth the listen. I hate turning on the news or looking at social media. There is never good news…only more divisive news. The worst is the helpless feeling on how to change things. I will keep reading, learning, and listening and be ready to help when I have the chance. I believe I need to stand up for what is right and am working to figure out how to do that. You better believe I will push everyone I know to vote…regardless of party lines (although please really think about if you are willing to have another 4 years of this divisiveness before you vote Trump).
The final straw that broke me last week was Disney cancelling my Wine and Dine half marathon weekend in November. I absolutely knew this was coming and it is the right decision. I was shocked that I was as disappointed as I was and even broke into tears (which happens, but not often). It took me awhile to realize why I was so heart broken. This race was supposed to mark the end of my cancer fight. It was supposed to be a celebration of life, friends, family, health, Disney, and of course wine and food. It was the one thing I was looking forward to since I was diagnosed with cancer. I was going to get the opportunity to celebrate the end of a horrible year in a fitting way at Disney, running with friends and family, and raising money against a horrible disease. Cancelling the race was 100% the right decision. I have come to accept that the race wasn’t the end of my journey, but just the celebration portion. We will be able to return to run again next year and it will be just as much of a celebration (more so given COVID will be gone by then too). My friends and family will continue to raise money for American Cancer Society as we will be able to roll our fundraising over to a race in 2021 or 2022. I am brainstorming fun ways to raise money, so please let me know if you have any great ideas.
Finally, I have found a few outlets to get away from my anger. I have taken up a few house projects including finishing my basement bathroom and painting the garage. Painting (when you don’t need to tape) is actually a good outlet.
I continue to run, hike, and paddle solo when I get the chance. This will only work for another week til my next surgery, but it is helpful for now.
At the end of each day, I try to head to bed without stressing about life and COVID and people. I try to forget about politics and hatred. I try to think positively (or at least not too negatively). I have a sign in my bathroom that I look at many times a day. It is a Winnie the Pooh quote that says “You are braver than you believe. Stronger than you seem. Smarter than you think, and more loved than you will ever know”. I use this to realize that things are ok and I am strong enough to take on these challenges. The second quote I think of often is “There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow, shining at the end of everyday” from Carousel of Progress at Magic Kingdom. I am getting a sign of this to put in my room. It is a reminder that tomorrow is another day and it can be a great day. Funny that two Disney quotes can try to change my outlook. I know people laugh that I still love Disney, but if it can help me look at life with a more positive view, I will take it.
My final surgery is August 4th. This surgery will remove the expanders and put in the implants. This is the last big step to finish my cancer journey. It is supposed to be a much easier surgery than the mastectomy but is still a few weeks of recovery. More to come on this in the next week or two.
The lyrics from Carousel of Progress in case you don’t know them:
There’s a great, big, beautiful tomorrow
Shining at the end of every day
There’s a great, big, beautiful tomorrow
And tomorrow’s just a dream away
Man has a dream and that’s the start
He follows his dream with mind and heart
And when it becomes a reality
It’s a dream come true for you and me
So there’s a great, big, beautiful tomorrow
Shining at the end of every day
There’s a great, big, beautiful tomorrow
Just a dream away